Priceless!
65' custom-built motor yacht complete with staterooms, a state-of-the-art galley, G.P.S. system and radar for navigation, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc. $4,500,000.00
Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and music dockside for the excited 'soon to be owners' and a small group of friends. $50000
Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle. $2,500/hour
(Note the guy in the stern!)
Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork...
PRICELESS!
A
Fact!
Subject:
Great minds (??)
Only great minds can read this (I'm not sure about this statement!) This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
A
GREAT IDEA FOR 2008!
Boogie Through Life!
• Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
• Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.
• Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift. That's
why it's called: The Present.
• A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.
• Life is what you make of it... kinda like Play-Doh.
• The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
• Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
• Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not
the end.
• If all my friends jumped off a cliff, I wouldn't jump with them.
I would be at the bottom to catch them.
• A girl on the street is pointing up at the sky. 'Look an Angel!'
she yells. Passerby laughs, 'You fool, that is only a cloud.' How wonderful
it would be to see Angels where there are only clouds. How sad it would be
to see clouds where there are Angels.
• Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished
If you're alive, it isn't.
So be happy! Don't let anything burst your balloon!
Boogie through life! Boogie Have A Great Day!
New
"Must-Have" Inventions. What will they think of next?
Don't
you just feel this way sometimes???
If
your brain works normally this is neat.
This is another example of an amazing illusion!!! The last sentence is so true. If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.
However if you stare at the black ' + ' in the centre, the moving dot turns to green. Now, concentrate on the black ' + ' in the centre of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating. It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot , and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
Cool
Visual
( Don't ask me! I don't know how it's done!!)
Tough
Love vs. Spankings
Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely, A Friend
Party
at the Senior center
Last night we went to a party at our local senior center.. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good ole days.
We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Denton to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma 's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.
Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced. That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints. Well, that's another story. WELL.. YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN AND YOUR. . . YOU KNOW THE REST.
Life's too Short.. Dance like No One is Watching You!
Retirement
in Alaska
I suppose this would work for Maine too... Oh Oh!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name' s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em". Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Muslim
Pussy
click here. *You must be of age to view this. ;)
Women
Are Evil?
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
A
WARNING!!!
DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE? We were raised on chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. This is what happens when you eat chocolate! This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about. It could happen to you......or them.
Yogi
Berra Explains Jazz
Published: October 21, 2004 By Steve Chalke
Interviewer: What do you expect is in store for the future of jazz trumpet?
Yogi: I'm thinkin' there'll be a group of guys who've never met talkin' about it all the time...
Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.
Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's whats so simple about it.
Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldnt know anything about it.
Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead. Some would kill for it.
Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.
Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.
Quarterly
Check-up.
An
86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The
doctor asked him how he was feeling , and the 86-year-old said , Things
are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 25 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that
Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you , who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang , bang'." "Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Check
out this awesome video - A Rough Morning.
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=650
The
Rock in Iowa
International
Picture of the Year.
Here are two very touching photos honored at this years event:
First Place
When 2nd Lt. James Cathey's body arrived at the Reno Airport,
Marines climbed into the cargo hold of the plane and draped
the flag over his casket as passengers watched the family
gather on the tarmac.
During the arrival of another Marine's casket last year at
DenverInternational Airport, Major Steve Beck described the
scene as so powerful: 'See the people in the windows? They sat right
there in the plane, watching those Marines. You gotta wonder what's
going th rough their minds, knowing that they're on the plane that
brought him home,' he said 'They will remember being on that plane
for the rest of their lives. They're going to remember bringing that Marine
home. And they should.'
Second Place
The night before & nbsp;the burial of her husband's body, Katherine
Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next
to his body for the last time. The Marines made a bed for
her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she
opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of 'Cat,' and
one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing
watch as she slept. 'I think it would be kind of nice if you kept
doing it,' she said. 'I think that's what he would have wanted.'
Blue Fridays.
Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing blue every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the 'silent majority' We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.
Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that .. every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something blue.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of blue much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in BLUE and it will let our troops know the once 'silent' majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more &nb sp;than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked 'What can we do to make things better for you?' is ...'We need your support and your prayers.' Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something blue every Friday.
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.
Arlington
National Cemetery at Christmas
Readers may be interested to know that these wreaths -- some 5,000 -- are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine. The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one the poorest parts of the state. Please share this with everyone on your address list. You hear too much about the bad things people do. Everyone should hear about this.
I Think
You Qualify: True American.
It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN
Humor!
Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE !
If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Y'all
know who they are...
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended
by the phrase, "One nation, under God."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing
the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead
of "Winter Festival."
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your
heart when they play the National Anthem .
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect,
and always have.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't
afraid to say so, no matter wh o is listening.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your
kids to do the same.
You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like
me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as
those talked about in this email.
God Bless the U S A ! Amen
AND PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IN ENGLISH.
Something
cool that Xerox is doing
If you go to this web site, www.LetsSayThanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq . You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services. How AMAZING it would be if we coul d get everyone we know to send one!!! This is a great site. Please send a card. It is FREE and it only takes a second. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these? Whether you are for or against the war, our guys and gals over there need to know we are behind them...
This is so easy. Click on the site, select a card and a pre-written greeting, and submit. I also took time to read comments like...."I've been in Afghanistan for two months and this was the first mail I received...." Please take a moment to thank a brave soldier.
Subject:
Sears - Christmas shopping has already started
I know I needed this reminder since Sears isn't always my first choice. Amazing when you think of how long the war has lasted and they haven't withdrawn from their commitment. Could we each buy at least one thing at Sears this year?
How does Sears treat its employees who are called up for military duty? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up. Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years.
I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution. I suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves. Pass it on.
Decided to check this before I sent it forward. So I sent the following e-mail to the Sears Customer Service Department:
I received this e-mail and I would like to know if it is true. If it is, the Internet may have just become one very good source of advertisement for your company. I know I would go out of my way to buy products from Sears instead of another store for a like item, even if it's cheaper at that store.
This is their answer to my e-mail: Dear Customer:
Thank you for contacting Sears.The information is factual. We appreciate your positive feedback. Sears regards service to our country as one of greatest sacrifices our young men and women can make.. We are happy to do our part to lessen the burden they bear at this time.
Bill Thorn
Sears Customer Care
The Amish
Farmer
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"
The Amish man says: "Use two hands,.You'll get more."
Massachusetts
Urine Tests
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to PASS a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I DO have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who DON'T have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ASS, doing drugs, while I work. Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree.
Jury Duty Scam DO NOT DELETE WITHOUT Reading! This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included b elow). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.
The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois, and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on thei r web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.
Check it out here: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
Our standards are like the tides
- Anonymous
There is nothing in this world constant but inconstancy.
- Swift
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Groucho Marx
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles -- the first of which is to be flexible at all times
- Former Senate Minority Leader Everett M. Dirksen
When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money.
- Kin Hubbard
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
- William F. Buckley
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett, in "Playboy", 1971
If everybody's behavior can be explained by simple stupidity and greed, there's no point in assuming a conspiracy.
- P. J. Plauger
You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.
- Margaret Thatcher, 1976
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Jerome K. Jerome
The victor will never be asked if he told the truth.
- Adolf Hitler
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
- James Thurber, "The Thurber Carnival", 1945
No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.
- Jacob Bronowski, in "Encounter", 1971
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
- Alex Hamilton, "The Listener", 1978
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
- Dante
History teaches us that men and nations behave wiselyonce they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban, 1970
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
- André Gide
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these.
- Paul Harvey
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein
Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Return of the Jedi"
Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
- Walter Lippmann
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
- Edward R. Murrow
Here is a link to the snopes page PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERYONE ON YOUR CONTACT LIST!! A new virus has just been discovered that has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive ever. This virus was discovered yesterday afternoon by McAfee . This virus simply destroys Sector Zero from the hard disk, where vital information for its functioning are stored. This virus acts in the following manner It sends itself automatically to all contacts on your list with the title 'You've received a Post Card from a Family member'. As soon as the supposed virtual card is opened the computer freezes so that the user has to reboot When the ctrl+alt+ delkeys or the reset button are pressed, the virus destroys Sector Zero, thus permanently destroying the hard disk. Yesterday in just a few hours this virus caused panic in New York , according to news broadcast by CNN. This alert was received by an employee of Microsoft itself. So don't open any mails with subject:'A Post Card from .' As soon as you get the mail, delete it !! Even if you know the sender !!!