Old Farmer's Advice.

WISE WORDS SENT TO ME FROM A WISE MAN... "ACT LIKE YA KNOW"

"Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
"Keep skunks and bankers at a distance."
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump."
"A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
"Words that soak into your ears are whispered.....not yelled."
"Meanness don't just happen overnight."
"Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads."
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you."
"It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
"You cannot unsay a cruel word."
"Every path has a few puddles."
"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."
"The best sermons are lived, not preached."
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway."
"Don 't judge folks by their relatives."
"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."
"Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time."
"Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."
"Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
"Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. "
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
"Always drink upstream from the herd."
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."
"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.."
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."
"Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you."

And...

These Are Models... Really!

Thought you'd all get a kick out of this...unbelievable! CLICK HERE.

Playin' With His Balls.

Don't let the title turn you off from watching this..what an amazingly, talented young man.  Click here to watch the video.

The Rat Pack & Carson.

This show is at Kiel Opera House in St Louis June 1965. Carson hosted.... Carson had the Tonight Show. The Rat Pack were playing Vegas. This is supposed to be the ONLY time Carson sang in public. Quincy Jones was conducting the Count Basie band, and he is visible in the background. Do Not miss this performance. It should make your day! Click here.

Artwork in the Rice Fields of Japan.

My Living Will:

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They’re such jerks!

This is a MUST READ! are you UP for it?

Are you such a (and you too can check the dictionary) grammarian (I like grammatarian better) that (who) can explain this? Enjoy. Read on..and on..

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row 
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might also enjoy this:

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP!

Inner Peace: This is so true.

• If you can start the day without caffeine,
• If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
•   If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, 
• If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, 
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
• If you can conquer tension without medical help,
• If you can relax without liquor,  
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 

Then You Are Probably...

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

ALL PUNS INTENDED...

How to Fail a Test with Dignity:

When Its OK to say OMG:

Santa in Summer.

Well...... here he is:

sort of kills the magic doesn't it?

Tiger Woods Christmas Card

MOTHER OF ALL JOKES.

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.   The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.   'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'   'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.   'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.   And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'   'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. 'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.   'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Achmed.   He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.   After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

THE BOTTLE OF WINE.

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks , the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....'

How Pumpkin Pies Are Made:

FINALLY, we can fly without worry!

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business ! We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS ! Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obligated to commit suicide!

Jazz Musician Help Line.

Welcome to the JAZZ MUSICIANS' HELPLINE. Your call is important to us so please use the

following menu system to shorten your wait:

If you are a bandleader wishing to know your opinion of yourself, press 1

If you are a tuba/sousaphone player in a 'classic' jazz band inquiring which beats you will be expected to play on,

press 1 and 3

If you are a drummer wanting to know on which beats to press your hi-hat pedal, press 2 and 4 - regularly

spaced if you can manage it

If you are a banjo player inquiring about how many strings to buy for a complete re-stringing of your instrument, press 4

If you are old enough to remember Dave Brubeck press 5 then 4

If you are an agent wanting to know how much commission to charge, press 15. Or 20. Or 25. Or whatever number you fancy

If you want to know the REAL length in minutes of a jazz musician's '15-minute break' enter any number in excess of 45

If you are at a cultural crossroads between jazz and rhythm & blues and can't decide which Route to take, press 66

If you are over 60 and always forget to play the coda, press RECALL

If you wish to express your opinion of what your bandleader makes of gig arrangements, press HASH

If you are a bebop tenor player press as many keys as fast as you can for 20 minutes or more or until the room is empty,

whichever comes first

If you wish to check your retirement account, press 0  !!!!!!!!!!!

Tickle Me Elmo.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

This is NOT a joke!

RE: 90# on your telephone.

I dialed '0', to check this out, asked the operator, who confirmed that this was correct so please pass it on . . . (l also checked out Snopes.com. This is true, and also applies to cell phones!) PASS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

I received a telephone call last evening from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service Technician (could also be Telus) who was conducting a test on the telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test I should touch nine(9), zero(0), the pound sign (#), and then hang up. Luckily, I was suspicious and refused.

Upon contacting the telephone company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which enables them to place long distance calls billed to your home phone number. I was further informed that this scam has been originating from many local jails/prisons DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE. The GTE Security Department requested that I share this information with EVERYONE I KNOW. After checking with Verizon they also said it was true, so do not dial 90# for anyone !!!!!

The Evils of Drink.

Points to Ponder.

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?*
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30.WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
} 31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital...

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Oh to be an Air Traffic Controler!

ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

Don't honk your horn at grannies crossing the street.

or else...  click here to see what will happen.

Does this happen to YOU in the morning?

click here to find out.

Funny Saturday.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

  (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Found, At Last!

Elvis and MJ found alive and well living in Martin, GA, USA.
It was only a matter of time !!!

Subject: Maxine's Physical.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

My blood pressure was high ...
My cholesterol was high ....
I'd gained some weight,
and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said: Just think in colors ...

Fill your plate with bright colors.
Try some greens, oranges, reds, maybe something blue, etc ...

So ...

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of:

And sure enough, I felt better immediately.

I never knew eating right could be so easy !!!

Gun Control with William Shatner.

 click here to view the video

The Good Son.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

Replacement Windows.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

A NOTE FROM THE CHAPLAIN.

TWO HORSES

There is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the sou8rce of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse’s halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two horses, you’ll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way…

Good friends are like that. You may not always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours. And remember …be kinder than necessary – everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly …

Leave the rest to God
Have a Blessed Day, Chaplain Sally

Scorpions, Chiggers & Sand Fleas...
THE REAL STORY FROM AFGHANISTAN.

I apologize for some of the language in this Marine's letter, even though you have most likely heard it before. I didn't want to lessen the impact of what he has to say.

From a Recon Marine in Afghanistan.

Helpful Winter Hints.

Here are some helpful hints that could make your winters easier to deal with:

1.  Keep your headlights clear with car wax! Just wipe ordinary car wax on your headlights. It contains special water repellents that will prevent that messy mixture from accumulating on your lights - lasts 6 weeks.  
2. Squeak-proof your wipers with rubbing alcohol!.... Wipe the wipers with a cloth saturated with rubbing alcohol or ammonia. This one trick can make badly streaking & squeaking wipers change to near perfect silence & clarity.  
3. Ice-proof your windows with vinegar! Frost on it's way? Just fill a spray bottle with three parts vinegar to one part water & spritz it on all your windows at night.. In the morning, they'll be clear of icy mess.. Vinegar contains acetic acid, which raises the melting point of water---preventing water from freezing!
4. Prevent car doors from freezing shut with cooking spray! Spritz cooking oil on the rubber seals around car doors & rub it in with a paper towel. The cooking spray prevents water from melting into the rubber.  
5. Fog-proof your windshield with shaving cream! Spray some shaving cream on the inside of your windshield & wipe if off with paper towels. Shaving cream has many of the same ingredients found in commercial defoggers.  
6. De-ice your lock in seconds with hand sanitizer! Just put some hand sanitizer gel on the key & the lock & the problems solved!

Something to live by in 2010.

LIFE HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily.  And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do.  Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past.  Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past.  That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.  Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

Society: 
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends will.  Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change...
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy.  So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please send this to everyone you care about, I just did.

He Was Right...

General Eisenhower Warned Us!

It is a matter of history  that when the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General Dwight Eisenhower,found the victims of the death camps he ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the German people from surrounding villages to be ushered through the camps and even made to bury the dead.

He did this because he said in words to this effect: 'Get it all on record now - get the films - get the witnesses -because somewhere down the road of history some bastard will get up and say that this never happened'

This week, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it 'offends' the Muslim population which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet.. However, this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.

It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This message is here as a memorial, in memory of the 6 million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians, and 1,900 Catholic priests who were 'murdered, raped, burned, starved, beat, experimented on and humiliated' while the German people looked the other way!

Now, more than ever, with Iran , among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth',it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets. How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Center 'NEVER HAPPENED', because it offends some Muslim in the U.S. ???

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE...SOMEONE HAD TO PAY FOR IT.

My 2010 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2010! It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wishes for You in 2010:

• May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
• May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
• May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
• May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
• May the problems you had, forget your home address!
• In simple words ...
  May 2010 be the best year of your life! Happy New Year!

OLD FARTS.

Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. 

Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner, Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor,  Guadalcanal ,  Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War , the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention  Vietnam .

If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.

Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politician's, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Farts!

Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

" Happy New Year "

Truth Time.

Thought you'd enjoy these. GREAT photos!

The Perfect Gift.

Click to view video of the perfect gift for that "special" person.

Comments made in the year 1955!
       (That's only 54 years ago!)

'I'll tell you one thing if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible  to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.”

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000.00 will only buy a used one.”

'If cigarettes keep going up in price I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”

“Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00 nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”

'When I first started driving who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.”

“I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.”

“I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

“'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.”

“I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.”

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet. It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

“I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government  takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.”

“The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather. But I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

“There is no sense going to Lincoln or  Omaha anymore for a weekend 20 It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.”

“No one can afford to be sick anymore at $35.00 a day in the hospital. It's too rich for my blood.”

Soldier Returns Home. His dog goes crazy.

The White House DOES take its toll!

1911 Photos of Niagara Falls.

Margaret writes: Her mother had a cousin living in Niagara Falls that year. She told the family that she and her neighbours woke up in the night feeling something was wrong. It took a while but they finally realized that it was the lack of noise. They had all become so used to the roar of the falls that the silence was unusual enough to alert their senses. Of course at that time nearly all the houses were near the falls. Amazing pictures! Almost 100 years old. Can you imagine walking on Niagara falls?

Psalm 55:22 - A Must-Read.

'Friends are God's way of taking care of us.'

This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:

I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the quickie mart building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.

When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.

At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95.

I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying 'I don't want my kids to see me crying,' so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, 'And you were praying?' That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, 'He heard you, and He sent me.'

I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little.

She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan. 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there.

So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, 'So, are you like an angel or something?'

This definitely made me cry. I said, 'Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people.'

It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.

Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...

Psalms 55:22 'Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee. He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.'

Jerome Murat.

A truly amazing performer! click here to view one of his performances.

Do you know what's in your food?

click here to find out: Top 5 Menu Items Most Likely to Contain Parasites

Really Great!

This is a "Must See". Click Here to view this wonderful Pwerpoint presentation. Inspiring!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. "Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said. "You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly. "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said "What box?" Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr.. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Miller It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he valued most was...my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!" "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Think About This.

You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13 . Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

This is what will happen in 2012 when placing a phone order.

click here to watch, listen and learn.

You Just Have to See These...

Some are beautiful, some not so and some are just plain weird.

click here to view slideshow. (must have powerpoint installed)

Warning from Police ( not a joke )!

Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the rear window of the car... When I took it off after I got home, it was a receipt for gas. Luckily my friend told me not to stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the car. Then we received this email yesterday WARNING FROM POLICE THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE-- NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS (NOT A JOKE).

Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating... You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside. You start the engine and shift into reverse. When you look into the rearview mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into park, unlock your doors, and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view.. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car. And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car. So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your money, and your keys.. Your home and your whole identity are now compromised!

BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED. If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of personal information and identification documents, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.

These facts are true... Especially the one about people.

THE BUZZARD:
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

THE BAT:
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE:
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself.

PEOPLE:
In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up! That's the answer, the escape route and the solution to any problem! Just look up. Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.

STATEMENTS BY THE GREATS ON MUSIC.

Blood Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth Indicator, the Tongue.

INFORMATION EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW:

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters.... S.T.R. (Smile, Talk, Raise your arms) and, stick out your tongue.

My nurse friend sent this and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

Interesting Peppers.

These are actual peppers from a garden. They are called 'Peter Peppers'

By the way, the farmer says they can grow up to 18" long! Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?